Half of all marriages in America end in divorce. It’s a sad yet proven reality that is enough to give anyone who is considering tying the knot cause for pause. Moreover, the complete overhaul that the socialized approach to marriage has undergone has had a profound impact on the very activity that is supposed to be fun, enlightening, and – if interesting and less stressful enough – an eventual step along the path to being forever someone else’s: dating.
Dating in 2015 in no way resembles any previous incarnation of the social practice from previous generations. With each passing day, dating becomes more cumbersome, calculating and an outright show of gamesmanship between the parties involved. In most instances, much like marriage, relationships unfortunately end in disappointment and despair. Oftentimes, that despair is one-sided, with either a man, woman, or the person assuming either the dominant or submissive role in the relationship, being rendered devastated by the disintegration of the relationship due either to the other person’s unforeseen decision to end it or their reprehensible actions. At the drop of a hat, men and women have become just as ADHD-centric with their relationships as they are with their attention spans, being happy with who they’re with one minute and wanting something else the next. The key is understanding what has caused this whimsical approach to dating and relationships so that we can attempt to curb its effect. In my infinite wisdom (no handclaps, please), I may have stumbled upon what’s going on here.
To begin, I want to disqualify myself as a scholarly expert on dating and relationships. I am not an educationally-trained sociologist or psychologist, and I have no formal training with respect to interpersonal relationships, save for my undergrad education in interpersonal communication. This is merely an extension of my ardent observation of human behavior, including my own, and how that relates to various facets of cultural society.
With that being said, for you men and women frustrated with what has happened to the institution of dating, fret no more, for I know what is responsible for this madness: social media. If you’ve read a few of my other posts, you’ve probably gotten used to me lamenting on the influence that social media has come to have on our society, most of it good and some of it bad. Depending on whether you’ve successfully acclimated to modern dating or not, you are either pleased or pissed at how much of a stranglehold social media, and the successful navigation of it, has had on one’s ability to successfully be a bachelor or bachelorette in 2015.
Point blank, Instagram and Snapchat have elevated the “bad bitch” to the forefront and in effect destroyed men’s perceptions of what is realistic when it comes to dating women. Prior to the emergence of image-oriented platforms such as these, average men with average incomes and average lives were accustomed only to the women in their immediate environment. If you buy into typical statistics, some of those women are going to be below average in terms of their looks, personal situations and holdings, some are going to be average, and the least of the bunch are going to be above average or exceptional. If you only have the convenience of being exposed to the dating pool in your immediate environment, the chances of more successful and enduring relationships are higher because men have a narrowed, yet appropriate, impression of what their ceiling is dating-wise.
The problem with Instagram and SnapChat is that it has given men a tool with which to be exposed to women from everywhere at all times. Now, a guy in Osceola County or some boonie town in rural America can jump onto his Instagram and see what the women in Los Angeles, New York, Las Vegas, Houston, Brazil, France, or any other place where beautiful women congregate look like. He then perceives THAT to be his reality. He then proceeds to imagine his life amongst the company of women who look like that, and anything less in his eyes, given his individual preferences, becomes invariably uncivilized. As a result, any relationship that that guy enters into in which the woman falls short of those expectations in his eyes is doomed from the start.
In the hip-hop culture, these women are called “bad bitches”, and these bad bitches, in conjunction with the magazine, TV, movie, and music industries, spare no expense when it comes to placing themselves front-and-center for the world to marvel at their beauty. This lulls men into a zombie-like state-of-mind in which their ultimate goal in life when it comes to dating and relationships is to only associate with women who look like them. For the men who possess the combination of looks, ambition, and skill (both academic and social) potent enough to eventually run in elite social circles, this is all well and good. But for most men, who are merely average and only capable of average things, the advent of bad bitches only serves to place them in a position in which they are attempting to socially operate way above their pay-grade; and in the meantime, they are ruining viable relationships or the potential for viable relationships with women who are within their pay-grade.
This places women in an unfortunately decided disadvantage when it comes to dating. Outside of artificial enhancements, a woman’s looks are her looks. They are the looks that God felt suited to give her and there isn’t much that she can do about it. A man can work to attain a luxury car and a plush condo to appeal more to women, but for women, whose success in dating is still largely predicated on their physical appearance, there is very little that they can do to adhere more to the bad bitch culture. It’s no fault of their own, but when it comes to attraction, men have always and will always be creatures aroused and inspired by visual stimuli. It just is what it is. Now, that is not to say that some of this doesn’t work in reverse.
Women may not be trolling social media to check up on the latest in bad bitch customs (unless they are trying to mold themselves into a self-made bad bitch), but they sure are doing so to see who and where the ballers and bosses are as well as how and where they’re making moves. Women’s individual perceptions of their dating realities have become almost as warped as their male counterparts, just for different reasons. Men are in constant pursuit of the perfect 10 and women are in constant pursuit of a boss. Powerful, successful men tend to possess two things that are most appealing to women, even beyond looks: financial security and social capital. Women are just as attracted to men who possess ample social capital as they are to men who are financially free. It just so happens that in most cases, save for the introverted tech billionaire, one usually accompanies the other.
Women are attracted to men who know a lot of people and operate in a lot of elite social circles. It appeals to and intrigues them. For women, this is oftentimes the impetus for attraction. This is why guys in fraternities are appealing to many women in college. They aren’t necessarily the best-looking, smartest, ambitious, or most talented, but they are always “on the scene” and conversing with any person at any given time. This has always appealed to the whirlwind nature that women routinely operate with when it comes to their dating practices. When it comes to social media, women now have tools that allow them to see where the bosses are. Plus, women are attracted by looks as well, so if their Instagram profile allows them to gaze upon bosses who also happen to be physically attractive to them, they then proceed to change their perception of what is realistically attainable for them.
Women everywhere now think that they are not only deserving of, but entitled to an attractive boss of a man, thereby relegating guys who are realistically on their level to the back-burner. While to a lesser extent than the inverse of this dynamic, this dooms many relationships and relationship prospects on the part of women because of their unwavering pursuit of the idea that they are supposed to end up with Drake, or Channing Tatum, or whoever. There may not be a male-oriented equivalent term to “bad bitch”, but this opposite side of the same coin behaves much in the same way. This is okay for the 8s, 9s and 10s who are gorgeous beyond comprehension, but for the majority of women, it’s simply unrealistic and a display of their delusional sense of self-worth as a dating prospect…at least physically.
Because of the rise of social media, particularly the visually-oriented platforms, dating has become as treacherous as ever. Men desire and pine for bad bitches, and because bad bitches look so good and we have such easy access to them, we won’t relent until we at least get to experience what it’s like to be with one. Or two. Or three. Or fifty. God forbid we actually make it there and let our imaginations run so wild that we end up disappointed in what the real thing is. That’s an entirely different discussion. Nevertheless, bad bitches have sent men everywhere into a sex and money-crazed frenzy that has prohibited them from being able to find the sense in being content with a good relationship with a woman that is well worth their time and effort, both from a physical and compatibility standpoint.
Likewise, women are also afflicted. Women’s insistence on being with a guy who is a boss – and possesses all of the behaviors and mannerisms that exude boss status – has conditioned them to look past men who could give them everything they claim they want (and have the attractiveness to go along with it) in lieu of guys in the club who resemble the rapper or actor who they like the most on Instagram, but will say the right thing at the right time so as to bamboozle them into a false sense of security that will allow them to believe that “this one might be different.”
For men, the solution is simple: become a boss. For women, it’s not as easy. There isn’t much that they can do to change what they look like. Their looks are what they are. Women have been dealt a relatively bad hand in this situation, but if they can live up to their supposed stature as the more superior of the genders, it won’t be long before they bring balance to this crazy relationship world and restore some order by being less delusional about their dating potential. It’s all up to the ladies! Hell, I’m just glad that I’m a boss.
Am I on to something here? What are your experiences with dating and the pitfalls that social media has posed therein? Has the bad bitch or boss culture affected you in ways that you wish it hadn’t? Do you even know whether you’ve been affected or not? As usual, these are merely my views and I don’t proclaim myself to be right. It’s just what I am observing around me. I also don’t need the “all-police” on my back. I know that not ALL men and women fit into this mold. It’s simply the pulse of our current culture. Sound off in the comments below and let’s take the Conscious Approach!
Javis Ogden is a Miami native turned current Tallahassee transplant and the founder and chief contributor to Conscious Approach. He has worked as a creative content specialist since completing his graduate degree in Integrated Marketing at Florida State University, and he aspires to be a cultural critic, screenplay writer, ½ of the ESPN First Take debate panel, author, or whatever his short attention span will allow him to be inspired by at any given moment. When he isn’t pursuing freedom, you may be able to find him on an indoor basketball court. He is always in search of his muse. You can help him find it by following him on Twitter @JavisOgden, Instagram @JVWins, Facebook /JavisOgden, and snapchat JavisOgden.